How I broke my self-destructive cycles to gain freedom from fear and manifest the life of my dreams
Noticing what was broken, and that I was responsible
Everything started shifting once I noticed I was so sick of the negative, unproductive patterns in my life I couldn’t seem to shake.
Here are the 6 phases of my former self-destructive cycles:
Being optimistic and excited.
“Finally! This is the [job, relationship, juicy new idea, new time management system, etc.] I’ve been waiting for. This is what I’ve worked for and it’s here, and it’s amazing! I’m so lucky! This is exactly what’s going to fix everything. I can finally relax and be myself, and really enjoy this.”
(Enter the honeymoon phase).
Wanting to be liked and valued.
“I love this [job, relationship, juicy new idea, new time management system, etc.]. It’s so fun, it’s amazing, I can’t believe how exciting it is to be part of this. I have finally made it! Everyone involved is incredible. Pinch me!”
Variation: being overly “on it” or accommodating; translation: (over)performing in order attract good attention and praise.
Being disappointed.
“Wait! I can’t believe this [job, relationship, juicy new idea, new time management system, etc.] isn’t what I thought it would be. I feel like this is bait and switch—is this all this is going to be? And it didn’t even try and live up to what it promised to be. All those people I thought were amazing, just don’t get it. They don’t get me. I had such high hopes.”
Being angry.
“Wow. Now I can see that this [job, relationship, juicy new idea, new time management system, etc.] doesn’t leave me room to be who I am, to contribute in the way I could and want to, and for some reason, I’m not being pick to help fix what is broken. I know it could be so much better, and I know just how to fix it. Don’t they see what they are missing? I have so much value to contribute, but for some reason, they just can’t see it.”
Being stubborn and giving up hope.
“OK, if the [job, relationship, juicy new idea, new time management system, etc.] won’t live up to their end of what I expected/was ‘told,’ would be the reality, I’ll just hold my course. I sincerely don’t know how we got to where we are, and I definitely won’t meet them where they are until they make the first move in doing the same. I can adapt, if this is as good as it will ever get, but I’m not going to like it, and they probably won’t either. I guess neither of us could live up to what we set out hoping for.”
6. Ending it.
This usually went one of two ways:
1) “OK fine, I’m done. This is hopeless. It doesn’t stand a chance of improving. I’m out. Goodbye,” or
2) “This isn’t working out for us. Thanks for everything, we’ll be in touch.” (But really, we won’t).
Translation: We’re “over” your energy. We’re done here. It wasn’t what either of us expected, but here we are. Now what?
In a particularly juicy year—my 35th—I experienced a volume of overlapping dysfunctional cycles. This got my attention. It made it impossible to ignore that I was the common denominator in all of these breakdowns. I was what had gone wrong.
Then: No one is coming to save me. Only I can save myself…from myself.
(Uh oh)!
How I broke the cycles of self-destruction and not just saved myself, but also started living the life of my dreams
Thus, my 35th became a landmark year of personal reinvention. I made it my business—my top priority—to reinvent myself, like a character in a movie might.
My reasoning was, “If what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working for me, maybe I need to do something else. Or be something else.”
Here’s what I did, after I decided I needed to take charge of my life.
I went straight to talk therapy. After 3 sessions, my therapist told me, “You’re one of the most codependent clients I’ve ever worked with. I don’t recommend you continue with treatment. You’re not a good candidate for therapy because you’re much more focused on being liked than doing the work on yourself.”
Being rejected by a therapist? That was truly a low point. I hadn’t realized how unproductively I’d been using my energy. But, I was thankful I could see that I wasn’t wrong that I was the common denominator in what wasn’t working for me. Which meant that I was also the common denominator for how I could change the situation for myself.
Luckily, she suggested a habit-breaking intensive 6-week course that helped so much. I went to the workshops, did a set of personality tests, and did group work, along with other techniques I’d used before (journaling, meditation), and new ones (biofeedback, hypnosis, brainwave entrainment). Through all of these, I started to notice and take responsibility for my choices in new ways.
2. I restarted my meditation practice. At the most confusing, disruptive times in my life, with no other optionsI’ve turned to the Meditation on Twin Hearts, not understanding why, but in every case it has been absolutely transformational and has served as an anchor for me. This practice evolved into a more rigorous spiritual practice called Arhatic Yoga, which I practice now.
From these practices, alongside daily character development, spiritual study, and energy work, I’ve learned so much about the nature of energy, how it flows through the chakra system and the subtle bodies, and how one’s energy is impacted by physical forces, thoughts, and emotions. I continue exploring and practicing these principles daily.
3. Exercise became a foundational practice. As I moved through physical space, my exercise routine (typically running or swimming) became the sanctuary for me to re-form my mental outputs. It was there that I began to notice that my inner narrative wasn’t a nice place to spend time, because it was so negative. Scathing, even. Mostly toward myself. Being in my body, but not overly focused on my body once I was in motion, freed up my mind to notice what was happening in there. At first, I noticed the unproductive, negative thoughts I was thinking, and what situations or feelings triggered those negative thoughts, and the patterns that came from them.
4. Once I had garnered a firmer sense of what was happening with my inner world of thoughts and feelings, I could begin looking at how I wanted it to look and feel in there. I decided what I wanted to experience on purpose and visioned my future self living it. Daily, on my run or afterward, I felt and thought myself into a state of flow, possibility, and fulfillment that I wasn’t necessarily living at the time, but because I could fully feel it and it was enough removed from my everyday existence, I could begin to believe through those feeling experiences, that a life where all of that could be present, could be possible for me.
5. I became aware and attuned to my inner narrative. Because I was familiar with the feelings and thoughts I wanted to experience—those of my happy, fulfilled self—from my daily practice, then I began closing the gaps I could feel between now and Future Me. By making small edits as I went along, fine tuning Past Me’s thoughts and feelings to align more with those of Future Me, I purposefully remodeled my inner narrative. To go where I wanted to go, I had to learn the version of Me that already lived there. And that’s what I did.
6. Affirmations and mantra phrases helped me along the way. I couldn’t move from hopelessly codependent to fully thriving and self-actualized and self-sustaining in one day, so I took it moment by moment, redirecting my energy when I felt wobbly by saying a self-soothing power phrase of my choosing (“You are enough,” “It’s not their job to understand you,” “You can be gentler with yourself,” “Their happiness isn’t your job, it’s theirs,” etc.).
7. Daily spiritual study into the realms that truly excite and inspire me—the mystical, esoteric, and occult (hidden)—has also become a part of my daily routine. By learning from masters that came long before me, I have a method to absorb ancient wisdom and evolve my understanding of what is true, and to develop a sense of discernment.
Little by little, my world began to change. I stopped clinging. I felt stronger, more powerful. More self-sufficient (and joyfully so).
I no longer felt I needed people’s approval.
I was much more present to my own energy, my own intentions, my own power.
It was only then that I noticed I’d begun:
Taking up less space out of fear there wouldn’t be enough for me.
Demanding less from others, allowing them to meet me where they might.
Claiming my own space, and spaces that mattered to me.
Letting go of spaces and people and opportunities that I realized were more aligned with my fear of losing them, than a natural alignment between us.
Trusting myself as powerful enough and perfectly positioned enough on my own to realize everything I want in my life.
Letting go of judging myself and others, or imposing limitations on their potential and mine.
Attracting people, opportunities, and situations that matched Future Me, while those of Previous Me began shifting and sometimes dropping off the map entirely.
Opening up to new levels of abundance I’d never before experienced.
Sleeping deeply all night, without replaying what had happened and I’d like to change, or envisioning the future I didn’t want to live.
Knowing that abundance is the nature of the universe.
Feeling full and appreciative for life, and being excited to create more.
Drip, drip, drip.
The manifestations started coming, some without my even noticing.
The apartment, the business venture, the travel, the friendships, the money, the joy, the partner, the speaking gigs, the amazing clients, the teaching gig, the hypnosis practice. The feeling of fulfillment.
It’s this self-made practice of happiness and thriving that is underneath my success.
It’s also what inspired me to share it with others, so others could move closer to happiness, thriving, and fulfillment; that’s what the Freedom from Fear 8-week course is all about.
The course is powered by successes and lessons I’ve learned from 7 years of dedicated, personal inner work, translated into a simplified, easy-to-follow framework and methodology designed to yield insights and breakthroughs to bring you forward on your inner journey.
If you relate to my story of transformation and you’re ready to let go of what hasn’t been working, heal, and to transcend the part of you that is keeping you small, afraid, and preventing you from living your purpose and dreams, this course is for you.
What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
Take one powerful step toward Future You.
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